RESILIENCE STARTS WITH ACCEPTING WHAT’S BEHIND THE CURTAIN
“It was the most amazing vacation EVER!”
“You will never be the same after you experience this.”
So much in life is presentation, especially social media - fun, beautiful, unforgettable presentation.
But what happens when you get a look behind the curtain? When that thing or person isn't as amazing as you thought?
PARADISE LOST
Every September my wife and I visited a yoga retreat on a secluded island run by a loving couple who loved to serve.
Year after year we got nurtured by three meals a day at the communal table with like-minded teachers and guests - long nature walks and beach swims in between.
Due to a family dispute, the island had to be sold off. Sadly, the retreat with it.
I've been to multiple retreats in multiple countries. None compared to this one. The mix of mental and physical nourishment was unbeatable.
Last summer we had a chance to visit the island one last time. As guests, not customers.
Experiencing the island without daily yoga or set mealtimes was strange. Fortunately, most of the other visitors were former teachers or long-term customers like us. It also felt strange to cook and clean for ourselves.
Strangest of all was seeing our hosts in a non-performative state - off duty inhabitants of the island, not as quick to serve or nurture.
Had the food always come from a supermarket on the mainland? Had the island paths required regular upkeep?
Of course the food came from a supermarket. Of course the island required upkeep.
On this visit, we got to see “behind the curtain”.
REALITY BITES
What happens behind the curtain isn’t always pretty. Or, how you thought it would be.
However, the sooner you can see things for how they are, the sooner you can accept things for how they really are. With acceptance, you can enjoy the reality of the thing you admire. Without the smoke and mirrors.
Rita Hayworth was famous for saying that "men go to bed with Gilda but wake up with me".
I've always found this quote sad. It didn't have to be that way. Not if she let men see the real her. The brave ones might have accepted what they saw - it takes courage to face the true nature of things.
Accepting the reality of what you see, is what builds resilience. Acceptance alone is not enough, however. True acceptance can’t happen without gratitude. Or at least an acknowledgement of the positive with the negative.
It took a couple days to get my head around island life behind the curtain. Once I did, I could fully embrace our final days. More importantly, I was grateful for the past visits and the current real one.
That's often how it is - once you see people and things for how they really are, you can enjoy them. In their true form. Rita, not Gilda.
In The Road Less Traveled, Scott Peck states that people believe untrue things to avoid their painful reality. The desire to avoid pain is human. And universal. Peck defines mental health as “an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs”.
Sure, most people would claim to be dedicated to truth. They might even have examples when they faced a painful reality. When “all costs” gets painful, most of us stop digging.
Keep reading below.
REALITY CHECK
Another human tendency is to seek out things that confirm your beliefs – it’s called the confirmation bias. We all have it – even the healthiest of us.
If you think you’re getting neutral advice from ChatGPT, you’re not. If you think your Instagram feed proves you right about something, you might be wrong.
Here’s a sad reality about AI tools: They are designed to agree with, not challenge, you. Hence, the confirmation bias is alive and well in 2026.
If you’d like to get to the truth of something AND bypass your confirmation bias, here are 3 questions to think about:
What evidence would make me change my mind?
Am I interpreting the facts—or protecting a conclusion I already want to believe?
What would someone who strongly disagrees with me say that might be partly true?
If none of these causes you to re-think your position, here’s a final challenge:
Are you really seeking the truth or simply defending a position?
If you’d like my support to look behind one of your curtains, let’s talk.